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I’m pregnant, get out of my way! How to keep your cool during the longest 9 months of your life.

So you’re around 67 weeks pregnant, or so it feels that way. You never thought that growing a human could actually feel this horrendous and tiring. And if you have one more person tell you about your ‘glow’ (that’s really just relief you’re not currently throwing up), you will either kick them in the shins or sit on them; whichever requires less effort. Right now you feel like the only pregnant woman in the world and if people don’t start to move out of the way, you will, ummm, you’ll….you will decide on something later, as all this thinking is starting to hurt and gosh an ice cream would be great right now!

Which brings us straight to Pregnant Problem

PP #1 – The Cravings - Cravings can be weird and wonderful and hopefully in never-ending supply. I purchased myself a nice little ‘servant bell’ which I ring anytime a craving arrives. Someone (normally my husband) comes running, it’s his favourite part of the day, to cater for my every need quite literally. 2am ring-a-lings are a favourite. A slave like this is essential during these nine agonising months. They get a real kick out of it too (reminding them seven times a day that their part of the pregnancy was over in 60 seconds helps with this).

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PP#2 – The Mood Swings - telling a pregnant waddler she’s having a mood swing is the worse thing one should ever do, if they value their own life. One moment you’re angry and frustrated about the fact you can no longer reach your toes to give those nails a good paint, (or at least get rid of the last of the polish that seems to survive a nuclear attack!) then the water works arrive because *someone just ate the last piece of chocolate in the entire house (*you). A quarter of a second later, you’re laughing uncontrollably at a video of a white cat diving into a pool of mud. Then you’re crying again because your toes are really too far away and you miss them.

PP#3 – The Bladder - Do you know how many times a day I have to pee?! I mean honestly, this giant child inside me thinks my poor bladder is some sort of trampoline! My work colleagues watch me parade back and forth from my desk to the toilet so many times a day that one of them told me I should just sit on the toilet with my laptop. A comment like that does not go down well at all and definitely reduces the chances of being invited to the baby shower.

PP#4 – The Morning Sickness - just reading those words makes me feel sick. Why aren’t there more photos of a tired pregnant lady heaving over a toilet on billboards, with the caption, “welcome to nine months of joy”?! It was some wickedly cruel human who put the word ‘morning’ in there. That’s a laugh. It’s more like, ‘mourning’ sickness. Mourning the life you once had, where you didn’t have to carry around a very large bump and an emergency ‘vom-bag’.

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PP#5 – The Pregnancy Brain - Lost your keys and found them four hours later in the freezer? Ahh, we’ve all been there! Everyone will get a real kick out of your lapses in memory and the extremely unusual places they should expect to discover important items like keys. If you’re thinking it will all return back to normal, don’t be delusional, ‘Mum brain’ effects more new mothers than you think. All the best with that one.

What have been your most challenging symptoms of pregnancy?

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